After more than 20 years of practicing family law, we’ve noticed a few situations that come up time and again. If you want to avoid winding up like this couple:
you would do well to read—and heed—the 10 Commandments of Divorce.
1.) Once you file divorce, you are no longer in control of your relationship, the judge is. That means if the judge tells (orders) you to do something, you need to do it. Even if you don’t think it’s fair. Even if you think your attorney did you wrong. Not following a standing order of the court can have severe repercussions that you do not want to face.
2.) If you wouldn’t want the judge to see it, don’t put it in writing. Don’t post on Facebook that she’s a lying, cheating, you-know-what. Don’t share a celebratory, “the Judge saw him for the narcissist he is and gave me custody” post. Don’t text your ex at two in the morning telling him everything he’s ever done wrong to you. If you would be embarrassed to have your grandma see it, don’t put it in writing.
2a.) The internet is forever. Even if you take it down five minutes after posting, it is all but guaranteed that someone got a screenshot of it. Don’t do it.
3.) Keep the kids out of it. Don’t use them as pawns; don’t use them as carrier pigeons for messages and papers; don’t ask them to pick sides; don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of them. Everyone says they would never do any of this. Guess what? Almost everyone does.
4.) Neither your lawyer nor his staff are your therapist. Attempting to use your attorney as a therapist is going to be very expensive and not at all productive.
5.) Choose your battles. No doubt, your childhood Lego collection has great meaning to you. We know that Under Armour hoodie was your favorite. But is it really worth the time and money to fight over it? In five years, are you going to be glad that this was the hill you decided to die on? We’re not here to judge, but do carefully consider if you really want to spend a couple thousand in attorney fees fighting for it.
6.) Every divorce is different. Your brother is paying less child support? Your friend got divorced in 45 days? Your cousin’s husband’s Aunt Mildred got $1 million in alimony? Forget it all. Every divorce is different with different facts and circumstances. What allegedly worked in your friend’s divorce will not work in yours.
7.) Don’t lie to your attorney. We can only fix it if we know about it.
8.) Don’t drunk dial, text, call, follow, or otherwise harass your spouse.
9.) If your spouse’s attorney issues interrogatories or requests for production of documents, you need to cooperate, and you need to do so in a timely fashion. There are deadlines associated with these requests and you can be penalized by the Court for not providing them. Even if you think what is requested is out of line or unfair, still provide it. Your attorney will then determine how to proceed.
10.) You must pay your bill promptly. Please keep in mind that your attorney—and sometimes his staff—bills for his time. If you want to keep your bill from skyrocketing:
a.) Avoid repeated phone calls and emails. You are charged for every form of communication with our office.
b.) Don’t send an email and then follow it up with a phone call; you will be charged for both.
c.) Organize your thoughts so that your questions can be addressed in one email/phone call/office conference.
d.) Consider a counselor for dealing with the stress of the divorce.
Bonus Commandment: be nice to your attorney’s staff. They are the gatekeepers. A little kindness goes a long way.